Shall I Sing You to Sleep, Love?
by rachel618
Summary: Edward commits suicide and Bella is left wrestling with her feelings for him, and Jake is determined to help her pick up the pieces. However, she is so absorbed in her grief that she doesn't know what will happen. The story is mostly presented in a series of flashbacks of moments between Edward and Bella.


My eyes were swollen and the tears spilled over my lashes as I read through the letter again. I ran my fingers over his delicate handwriting and gasped as a tried to stifle my hysteric sobs.

Bella,

Love, it is now that I see that I can no longer live. I have harmed you, betrayed my family, and all others living unaware of my ghastly lifestyle. I can no longer look any human in the eyes without thinking about those innocent people that I... no need to scare you, Love. Just know that I'm leaving you for your own benefit... leaving the world, for that matter. Don't think too much, Bella. I love you, I always will. I just cannot hide from the fact that I will indeed rot in hell. Don't try to figure this out. You belong with Jacob, now, Love. You always have. Let me go... it was my time nearly 100 years before you came along like a raging fire fighting against my lifeless ice.

Best wishes, my love

Edward

_Best wishes? Why the...? _A tear splashed on the wrinkled page before me. The Cullens left after Alice had seen a vision of Edward's brutal death, but they were not able to save him. They found the place where the vision occurred, which was an old abandoned warehouse, but only the remains of the building were left along with the sweet, purple billowing smoke that is the tell-tale sign of a vampire death.

He thought I belonged with Jacob. I tried that, once, when Edward disappeared for months, leaving me broken and depressed. That didn't exactly work out, but Jake still hasn't given up the fight. I can't love anyone other than Edward. It's not possible...

I wilted like a dying flower, fell to the floor, and let the waves of pain have me. That hole I had when he left is back with vengeance; a fire licking and burning at the edges, permanently scarring my heart.

I pushed the matted piece of hair away from my hot face to look around my room... to see if his presence lingered in this very space. I looked to the rocking chair, half-expecting to see him sitting there, with my favorite crooked grin in place on that marble face. He wasn't there, of course, and another wave hit me full force, square in the chest. The blow left me scrambling to the bathroom to vomit and gasp.

After cleaning myself up I ran to the old dresser, throwing the contents so they'd clatter and thud against my wooden floor. Then i found it. That old photograph of E- it is hard to think his name. This happened once before, but there was always a chance of his return. Now however, there's no hope. My chest rose and fell quickly as I looked at his face... took in his beauty. I examined the plains of his face, his high cheekbones, beautiful smile. then i forced myself to see those eyes. I always found myself getting lost in the honey-colored eyes he dazzled me with on a daily basis.

I screamed. I dropped the photo and shoved a pillow up to my face incase Charlie had arrived home early from the station. He knows about Edward's death. He's been afraid to come to my room for weeks. I haven't left it much, while he's been around, anyway.

I don't think Edward knew how much he'd hurt me by killing himself. He thought he could protect me from himself by ending it all, meanwhile he's left me screaming and convulsing in my room from the terrible pain he'd caused. Jacob has tried to ease the pain repeatedly with his constant promises to love me forever, but that only makes things worse. I think of Edward when he asked me to marry him. I thought it was a joke, at the time. He loved me... so much that he thought he had to leave this world and go to the next. He didn't believe in heaven, and he claimed he had a spot practically reserved in Hell.

I never told him so, but he always was my angel. He was the reason my head floated above the clouds and I was able to survive the toughest situations. Without him I am lost, with nowhere to return to. My safe-haven has disappeared and I am left alone to brave the storm on my own.

This thought caused me to wreathe in pain and moan. I missed him. I will for the rest of my life. I practically owe him my life. He gave me the best two years of my 18, and saved me multiple times. I was so ready to give up my humanity and embrace vampire life, but he was more than ready to give up his own. I just never thought he would actually leave me here without him. I really thought we would marry and he would change me so we could travel the world and live together forever.

Then again, I should have known this only happens in fairy-tales. As Jacob once said before, life sucks and then you die.

Just then, I heard a few startling knocks on my window. I jumped and screamed, but that has been rather common lately. Jacob was a huddled dark figure waiting patiently in the little spot on the roof near my room.

I've kept my windows locked recently because visitors are no longer welcomed. Jacob read my face like it was an open book as he climbed into my dark, cluttered room. I saw my reflection in his eyes: hopeless and lonely. Destroyed and beaten. Weakened and dying. The last word unleashed yet another wave of pain and sent me flying into Jacob's warm arms. I yowled and whimpered as he whispered the three words I ached to hear in a different voice. "I love you. I love you, Bella. I always will. I promise. I'm here. It's alright, Bells. I got you."

He settled me down under my faded quilt and continued to whisper reassuring words into my ear. His warmth felt nice... welcoming. His overwhelming frame of nearly seven feet wrapped around me to continue to warm me and shelter me from the remaining tsunami waiting to ambush me with memories and drive me to insanity.

My breathing slowed, my moans weakened, my never-ending stream of tears came to a temporary stop. I focused on Jake's breathing and listened to his heart. This tugged at a memory of Edward listening to mine, but Jacob's lips on my neck seemed to fog my memory. They brushed against my collar bone and moved past the lace of my camisole.

I shut my eyes and felt his pulse drum against my tiny body. His dark skin moved around me and I could hear his breathing pick up a bit. His arms flexed and tightened around my waist and then I knew his eyes were searching my face. I bit my lip. Shockingly, I realized I was disappointed that Jacob was no longer breathing down my neck. I played with a strand of his dark hair, as if to give permission to continue.

What am I doing? How can I...? So warm. He's so warm. I don't even...

"Bella," he whispered.

That sent me over the edge. I needed him, and I'm just realizing it now. He was the only one capable of keeping those horrible nightmares filled with purple smoke and ghoulish limbs licked by the flames. When he acted like this, I can't quite focus on anything else. This could be very bad. But he was just so warm!

"Ungh." was the only response I could come up with. Where did this he _learn _this stuff? That seemed to encourage him, for he tested his boundaries a bit more.

No. _No. _Edward was the only one allowed to make me feel like this. Before I could stop myself, I roared, frantically searching for the covers, face aflame, "NO!" Jake recoiled as if he'd suddenly been slapped. His eyes darted quickly from the window to my face, and back again. I cannot bring myself to look at him. A tear ran down my face. He instinctively reached out wipe it away, but I shifted my body away from him. My voice desperate, I practically begged," How could you?"

He reached out to me again, but I cleared my throat. He pulled away and then grabbed my arm. I was not strong enough to escape from his grasp.

"You..." at first, he was confused. "I don't..." "please!"

"Jake... this is a bad thing. What we just did, it was a bad thing."

His eyes hardened. His mouth turned downward in disgust. "Don't you say things like that to me, damnit Bella!" His hands beat the pillow resting at his side.

"What?" My voice was cracking. I tried to swallow the sob that was gathering in the back of my throat. Not again.

"You were practically willing me to... just five minutes ago!" I shuddered as he spoke. The worst part about it was, he was right. I don't know what came over me. Now I just feel hollow.

"I'm sorry! It's just... I'm confused, okay? Confused! And lonely, Jake. Can't you see that?" My cream-colored bra peaked out from under the old quilt. Not helping my point, of course. What was I doing, sitting on my bed in the dark in just my bra and unbuttoned jeans here with Jacob? Jacob!

"Confused? You're confused alright! Bella! You _want _me, whether you like it or not. There is something about me that drives you crazy. Something Edward didn't have with you! You can't bring him into this now... he's gone, and he's not coming back!"

And then I was suddenly on the floor. What he was saying was simply too much for me to handle. I couldn't tune it out. How could he say something like that to me? Jake's words rang immutably in my brain. _He's not coming back... He's not coming back... He's not coming back..._

I cleared my throat, ignoring the black spots that hindered my vision. I was about to faint. I needed him out of here. His presence was suddenly suffocating me. Taking deep breaths, I turned to face Jacob. "Jake," I commanded, "you have to leave now."

"Ha!" he snorted. I hated that exclamation. That was always when he turned cold and mean. "You're kidding, right?" His tone was cold enough to cut right through me. The blackness was threatening to choke me. I'd faint any minute now, I was sure of it. Then, I mustered what little strength I had left to deliver the only blow that would make him leave. I just prayed I could get the words out loud enough for him to hear it.

"Jake, if you love me, you'll leave." I was gasping, "you'll leave, and you-"

"What if I say no? What if I decide I'm going to stay with you, hum your little _lullaby, _hmm?"

"JACOB!"

"_Shall I get the blanket, love? Would you like me to hum you to sleep, Bella, love?_"

He was mocking Edward. I couldn't stand this any longer.

"NO!" I covered my ears, going hysterical. Did he know what kind of things his words were triggering in my brain? What memories he was drudging up? Edward's voice was suddenly too loud for me to bear. I screamed louder, keeling over in pain. _Bella, love, Bella, love..._

I hit the floor with the heel of my hand over and over until I nearly fractured my wrist. Suddenly, when I looked up, I realized Jake had left. The wind made the light, pale curtains flutter softly in the darkness. _I'm going insane. _I fell asleep there on the floor, creating a small puddle of salty, stagnant tears under my cheek as Edward came and left in little flickers, sporadically appearing in different places around my room. Delusional, overtired, and drained, I believed he was real. I let him rock me into oblivion, humming in my ear all through the night.


End file.
